I can't remember the last time I stayed up all night. All I know is it's been a looooooooooong time since then. I don't like staying up all night. I like sleep. Very much. But tonight is not a night for sleep.

Tonight was my last night with my squad. It was a night full of surprises and love and laughter (and tears)- it was perfect. But I can't write about it right now. I'm too tired.

It's nearly 3 a.m. and I leave in an hour to go to the airport. I still need to shower and pack, of course.

By noon I'll be in Venice, Italy. God is whisking me away for himself. Together we're going to read poetry and eat pasta and wander the streets for hours. It's our honeymoon.

Okay. Time to shower.

See you in two weeks.

It's no secret that I'm 25 and still afraid of boys. Sure, I'll be your friend - but anything beyond the realm of friendship and I start to feel like I'm being chased by one of those crazy chainsaw characters from a haunted house. Pounding heart, sweaty palms, screams for help. Yes, I have crushes, but when I think about having a boyfriend I want to hide under my bed. Maybe I exaggerate, maybe not.

I guess I have this fear that one day whatever guy likes me will discover I'm boring, because I am sometimes, or I'll discover he's boring and won't like him anymore. I know romantic relationships work out for other people, but for myself I can't imagine it.

This past week, however, I had a glimpse of how it could be.

Mac, Caitlin and I are in the process of training our replacement squad leaders. This means my girl Brittany and I were paired together for a bunch of traveling. In the last two weeks we've taken overnight trains, buses and taxis up and down Romania (not staying in one place for more than five days.) That much travel in so little time can be exhausting and stressful, but with Brittany I had the time of my life.

I wrote in my diary:

"Brittany and I travel so well together. We get along so well in general - we don't have to try - it's natural, it's comfortable. Getting lost is an adventure as opposed to an inconvenience. Meeting quirky strangers is a pleasure. Sharing food is fun. We're chill and we trust each other - that's what makes it all work."

Brittany and I talked about our relaxed approach to life and how people sometimes mistake us for being careless or incompetent. Other people usually take charge and we let them. But when no one is around we have no problem getting things done. We make decisions, we divide and conquer. Neither one of us fall into position of leader or follower - we tackle obstacles together.

I began to realize that if I could get along with a boy like I get along with Brittany, then maybe having a boyfriend wouldn't be so bad. Because with her even the boring things were fun.

Naturally, I put in a word with God ("I'll take someone who's chill, like Brittany, if that's okay") and I'm pleased to say today I'm a little less scared and a little more settled when I think about the way it could be...

When I left for the World Race at the beginning of this year I had no plans for when it ended. My dream was to go back to Georgia to work at AIM, but nothing was promised to me. I decided that unless God gave me a job at AIM or clearly called me elsewhere, I'd stay overseas when I was done squad leading.

My plan was to be a nanny in Italy for the summer (I registered with an Au Pair website), save up my money and then travel Western Europe. After that I would teach English in Saudi Arabia. Or work at a hostel in Amsterdam. Anything was possible as long as there was nothing calling me back to the States.

I needed to tell my plans to AIM by March 9 so they could know if they needed to buy me plane ticket home. I asked God for his opinion on what I should do and heard nothing in return. I told him that if he wasn't calling me back home - if he had nothing for me (no job, no man, no plan) then I was going to stay in Europe indefinitely.

On March 9 I was offered a position at AIM.

I was thrilled. Am thrilled. It's what I've wanted all along.

At the same time, I've had to grieve my Europe expedition since arriving in Romania two weeks ago:

"Being in Europe and staying in hostels, riding on trains and eating delicious street kebabs - my hunger to travel solo has once again been awakened. In my weaker moments I wonder if I made a mistake by deciding to go back home - when will I ever again have this kind of opportunity? Probably never. Am I missing out on the kind of person I want to be? A free-spirited, adventurous, independent, against the status-quo, go with the flow, traveling hippy? But then I remember how CLEAR God made it when he called me back home. His timing was impeccable - he knew it needed to be so he could remind me he does have a plan, a purpose, a vision for my future. I am not destined to wander forever." - diary entry from April 10.

God knows what he's doing. Even though I often want to run away into the world by myself, deep down I know I was not meant to wander alone. I would get lonely. Terribly lonely. I love meeting strangers and making new friends, but I also have an intense longing to be around people who know me, people I have history with, people who will continue to be by my side as the seasons change.

Even now I'm a little bit lonely. I didn't know I was until the other day when I went for a walk with Mac and started verbally processing (vomiting) all over him. My squad is my family, my community...but just a few weeks I'll be an ocean away from all of them. I'm tired of distance - of email and Facebook and Skype. I want to ride in cars with people and hug them and tell them when they have spinach in their teeth. I want to live day-to-day life with them, year after year.

Instead of letting me indulge in my shallow desires, God is blessing me with the deep cravings of my soul. He is giving back to me people who will still be there four, five, six months, even a year from now. He's giving back to me a job that I love, a job that gives me purpose and uses my passion.

When I gave everything up to squad lead the LORD promised me that "the best is yet to come."

And indeed, I think he's right...

Time hasn't existed for me the last few months. When I try to think of what the date is my brain freezes. Is it January? June? September? I honestly have no idea. If someone were to take a picture of my brain it would look something like this:

I've been so completely absorbed in the present that time seems to have stopped. There is no past or future, there's only the exact moment I'm experiencing. And I appreciate them all - the hard moments, the boring moments, the surprising ones. Each moment gradually flows into the next one, leaving me unaware of when one is beginning or ending. Life is fluid and beautiful.

In the last few weeks I've:

1) Read The Hunger Games trilogy (and consequently fell in love with yet another fictional character, dangit):

2) Saw The Phantom of the Opera in New York City during a 24-hour layover:

3) Went from sunny Central America to overcast Eastern Europe:

...I've switched from burritos to kebobs, buses to trains, cold showers to hot showers and a dirt floor to a bed (praise the LORD.) And my squad is currently in the process of switching from Mac, Caitlin and me as squad leaders to three new women we've raised up to take our place.

I guess time is passing by - all I know is that with every snort of laughter and each tear that falls I am fully in that moment and no where else. When I think about my life after the race I see it like a movie trailer - it feels removed, almost fake. I'm elated for what is in store, but at this point it seems so far away from where I am right now - my brain can't wrap around the idea and I'm okay with that.

Four weeks...

A few weeks ago Betsy (our squad coach) talked to us about discovering our personal oxygen...the things in life that help us relax, recharge, breathe, and be ourselves. If we don't get our personal oxygen we begin to suffocate and suffer internally.

Today I found myself gasping for air.

I haven't been alone since December. And surprisingly, I've been okay. Until today.  Today I needed to be alone, I needed to breathe. So I grabbed my lunch and told Mac I was going for a walk.

There's not really anywhere to walk around here except for this one unpaved road. I walked down it until I came across the only shade in sight. I sat down on a pile of leaves and small rocks and ate my sandwich, brushing ants off my water bottle before taking a sip. My head began to clear and my emotions started to settle.

I listened to God speak, felt his touch across my cheek as a gust of wind passed me by.  I love you I love you I love you.

Deep. Breath.

I listened and I talked - I handed my hurt feelings to him and my confusion over decisions to be made. But mostly I just sat with him on the side of that dirty road, feeling his heart beat inside my own.

Eventually I decided to climb the tree I had been eyeing. I kicked off my flip-flops and hoisted myself up...I don't know how long I sat on those branches. I do know that I felt my lungs expand and fill with the sweet taste of nature, of alone time, of oxygen.

I remembered that one day in Cambodia on my original World Race, nearly two years ago now, when I had the same desperate need for alone time. Instead of going straight home to my team like I was supposed to, I ditched my bike in the sand and dipped my toes in the water.

When I committed to squad leading I knew from experience that alone time would be one of the hardest things for me to sacrifice. And even though I thought I might explode today...it's all worth it. It's so completely worth it.

Six weeks from tomorrow I'll get my fill of alone time. I don't doubt it will be great, but at the same time I know I'll miss being surrounded by my squad, my people...

because they are also my oxygen.

This past week has been a whirlwind of late nights and long days, of meetings and decisions. I've spoken hard words and listened to fragile hearts - both made me cry. Food, sleep and personal hygiene were sacrificed for the bigger picture. I'm completely exhausted in the best possible way. I have nothing left to give physically, emotionally or mentally...yet I have everything to give spiritually. All I have is Jesus, and he has proven himself to be enough.

Jesus. I know I'm always loved by him, but sometimes the butterflies come back. They came back this week. He gives me the small, silly things I pray for in addition to the big, meaningful things I'm too shy to mention. He captures my heart and leaves me in awe, jaw-dropping awe. Like that look Julia Stiles gives Heath Ledger when she discovers he brought in her favorite band to play at prom.

I dyed my hair purple last week. It's not all purple, but it's purple enough. I didn't do it for any specific reason other than I saw a pretty 15-year-old girl with purple hair and wanted to be like her. So I sat in a plastic chair in some woman's home and paid $6 for purple streaks.

It didn't mean anything at the time, but now I know it is the representation of what is going on inside of me. I have known my voice for a while but am slow to use it. There is no more time for that...my voice must be heard. The LORD speaks to me and I have a responsibility to deliver those words - no matter how hard they are or how scared I might be.

I'm beginning to see the fruit, the blessing, the inheritance of what he has for me as I continue to follow him deeper and deeper into the Promised Land. Every day I taste the milk on my lips and lick the honey off my hands. Leading this World Race squad is a gift. It's worth every late night and early morning, every difficult conversation and all the decisions.

I'm halfway through this journey - in the middle of Honduras with tired bones and purple hair.

I wouldn't have it any other way.